It’s a curse.
It’s been growing in my heart and mind for a while now. Why care, when it doesn’t matter? And while I have this problem academically, it’s even more of an epidemic spiritually. I keep the kite of my faith pulled in close, instead of letting it fly so everybody can see its colours. What’s the point in going all out, if there’s the same end result no matter what?
Isn’t that sad: I need an incentive to do what’s right. To go all out for God, I have to have an end reward. But really, going all out is a reward in itself. I’ve experienced it sometimes, that beautiful feeling that you’re completely and totally in the right, doing exactly what you were meant to do. It’s been so long, though. I’ve lost most of the will to make a change. To make a difference. Or, I have the will…it’s just hiding in the deep recesses of my heart, waiting for me to come and find it.
Monkey see, monkey do. I see a world of apathetic Christians, people professing to follow God, then turning their back on Him once the chance comes along.
I try to follow. I want to be a strong Christian. I want to have the faith of so many of my friends, to be totally dependent on Him.
I want that fire sparked again. I want to be on fire for God, to let people know that I love God more than myself. Instead, I’m locked in this self-created prison of self-pity and uncertainty. At least I know that I’m imprisoned. I guess that’s the first step in finding the key.
I want to find my purpose. I feel like I’m simply being left to simmer a while, like I can’t do anything while I’m in the bubble of my school. This isn’t true, though. School…it’s a great opportunity. I just haven’t found what I need to do yet.
Maybe I’ll just keep writing.
Maybe I’ll come up with something.
Or maybe, I just need to listen.