Disappointment

People always disappoint me. No matter how much faith I have in someone, no matter how much I rely on them, I know that there will be times that hurt me.

My friends are incredible; my three girl friends love me more than any boyfriend ever has, in a non-lesbian, yet still somewhat homo way. =] And yet, even with that…there are times I feel like I’m completely alone. I seem to think on a totally different wavelength half the time. I usually understand where they’re coming from, but I still voice my own opinion and stubbornly hold on to what I think. And there are times when I really need my friends…and they’re completely unavailable.

I realize that I’ve started to do the same thing, staying busy and unable to make the time to care. I miss phone calls; a few months ago, I would at least call back within the following 90 seconds. But now, I feel like there’s no need to be so attached. Attachment only leads to frustration, hurt, and disillusionment. Why give so much of myself when all it will do is leave me broken?

And then the boys. I’ve had my fair share of boy trouble. My first boyfriend is now a sometimes-friend who can’t make up his mind about anything. My second boyfriend, a relationship that lasted little over a month and ended rather ridiculously, is now a true friend, one I know I can talk to about pretty much anything. My third turned out to be the most wonderful and most excruciatingly painful experience of my life, because I learned how to love. And now, after four, I’ve learned to be strong, and to make my own decisions. But after all this, I just feel like life is laughing at me. Why do I always end up so broken, even when it obviously wasn’t meant to be?

And then I discovered who hurts me the most: myself. I let myself be deceived in hopes of a happy ending. I let my pride get in the way of my empathy. I let my anger overrule bothΒ my intuition and rational thought. And I put my faith in flawed people, flawed like me.

There is somebody who will never disappoint me. No, not my soulmate. Not my best friend. Not even my parents or other family members. This someone is always there. He’s by my side through tears of joy and tears of sorrow. He hears when I’m crying alone in my bedroom, and he hears when I’m laughing with my friends. He listens. He knows. He cares. And when it came to saving my life, he came through for me. He gave His everything on the cross, His very life. Jesus is perfect, not flawed like all humans. He is worthy of complete trust, complete faith. Jesus never disappoints.

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