burden

I can’t hold on forever.
There’s a limit.
I can’t even hold onto myself.
I’m not strong enough
to carry my own weight
and the weight of another.
I just don’t know.
Is it worth it?

I just don’t know.

I let go.

“Hey, T.A.!”

I’m sitting in my 7th period class, listening to Mrs. [Teacher] explain what the freshmen will have on their poetry test tomorrow. She probably explained it five times yesterday, too. These kids are somewhat retarded at times. Or maybe they have defective ears. [Student] just lucked out: no binder check this semester.

This seems so strange. This is the last day I’ll sit in this class, tolerating the harassment of freshmen boys. My last full day of highschool, since I’ll be leaving early tomorrow to start driving down to Arkansas for my cousin’s wedding. I’m excited to get out of here and leave adolescence behind, but somehow, I feel like I’m missing something. Like there’s something I need to do that I haven’t done yet.

Graduation is next Friday. Tonight is my last band concert, my last time on stage with my fellow CAL musicians…though the seniors will be playing the Star Spangled Banner at graduation. This is one of those times when I think I should be emotional, but I feel nothing. Maybe I’ll feel something tonight.

My train just got derailed by a student/teacher argument over responsibility. I’d be more harsh than Mrs. [Teacher]. She was about to give [Student] a second copy of the list of poets to study; she handed them out yesterday, and he already lost his copy. But, I convinced her otherwise.

I should probably be studying for the second half of my economics final, but I can’t find the motivation to do it. I barely studied for the first half and didn’t find it too difficult. True/False questions always confuse me anyway. I think the rest is just multiple choice. Hooray for recognition, not recall.

I feel worn out, decades older than I actually am. Maybe my sleep-deprived mind is just in need of rest. I would nap in here, but the freshmen decide to throw paper wads at me…or more dangerous objects. I’d rather not end up with a bruise.

What is it worth?

Where will it all be in the end?
The talks, the tales, the whispers
the pain, the grudges, the memories.
What will remain?
When our dust finally settles
into the ground from which it came,
what will remain?

The Closing of a Chapter, the Beginning of Another

Senior year. It’s coming to a dramatic close. It’s a fairly epic tale, at least in the life of a teenaged girl overwhelmed by an endless ocean of drama. There are still things I need to do, quests I need to wrap up here in this last segment of our highschool program. I’m not quite a dragon-slaying heroine, but the analogy works alright. Most of my classes have started to wind down, except for Economics (where Bobby Brown forces us to take a final) and AP Psych (where chaos reigns). I sometimes miss simpler days, when I knew what was going on. At least then I thought I could handle it all. Now, the stress tends to get to me a little too easily, and distant problems creep closer and closer until they bare their teeth right in my face. Too bad the logical side of my brain doesn’t like to be dominant.

Short ‘n Sweet

A soft whisper on the breeze,
a sweet lullaby, sung tenderly…
The sounds of comfort and security
embracing my heart like a blanket.
It’s beautiful, truly lovely,
to experience this love.
It’s almost too much
for my too-human heart.
To truly love, to truly live
I must do the same,
what my Saviour did for me.