Love me when it makes no sense at all.

I picked up Sense and Sensibility today. I read the first two chapters. This is probably the third or fourth time I’ve attempted to get through Jane Austen’s brilliant novel, but perhaps this time I’ll actually finish. To be totally honest, Pride and Prejudice is the only Jane Austen book I’ve completed. I have Emma and Persuasion sitting on the shelf here in my dorm room, untouched. I know I had started Emma at some point, but got distracted.

Perhaps I should analyze Austen’s effective writing strategies in Sense and Sensibility. Keep my mind sharp. Or something like that.

I haven’t done any fun reading lately. Lately meaning since this semester started. Maybe this is why I feel my IQ (and my writing ability) slowly deplete with each passing day.

I also haven’t been completely healthy in much too long. A few weeks ago, I managed to somehow give myself a corneal abrasion, which caused extreme pain in my eye for a week. This past Thursday, I came down with a horrid headache. Friday, I had a sore throat that developed into flu-like symptoms by Saturday. Fever, chills, coughing, aching, loss of appetite…you name it, I probably had it. Although I’ve been getting better since then, my cough certainly hasn’t been cured.

But enough of that. I’m going back home this weekend, and I’m bringing my boyfriend with me. I hope he won’t be traumatized by anything that happens… My parents can be a little strange at times.

I wish I had something interesting to talk about. I feel like all inspiration has left me. My creativity has been devoured by the insane amount of required reading I’ve had to do. I just don’t know… I love my honors class, even though my professor probably thinks I’m mute. It’s discussion-based, and I’m not one for talking. But the exchange of ideas is wonderful. If we had an online discussion board, I’d probably participate more. I like to have time to formulate responses; I’m a slow thinker.

I’m starting to realize (okay, I’ve already realized this…) that I compare myself to other people way too much. I don’t necessarily have to be the “best,” but I like to be unique. I want to point out a quality I have that somebody else doesn’t. Or at least find something about myself that’s…better. It’s not like I pass people on the street and compare myself to them. The people I’m talking about are people that I guess…I guess I consider them competition. Even if I shouldn’t. And there are some people that I feel like no matter how hard I try, I can never measure up to them. How can I meet a perfect standard? I can’t. I’ll fail every time.

I realize that having good self-esteem is essential for good mental health. But I just can’t help but make these comparisons. It’s not constant, but certain people and certain activities make the comparisons inevitable. I want to be confident in myself and in my abilities. And yeah, I’m talking about something specific, but it’s so juvenile and absurd that I’d rather not go into details.

You make me smile, please stay for a while now…

I’m a cynic. I can’t believe anything I hear. I want to believe it, so desperately. But really…there’s nothing to be done about it. To prove me wrong, he’d have to marry me.


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