Sometimes, I think I’d make a good case study of what not to do during college. Don’t isolate yourself from friends. Don’t get so involved with school work that you forget to have fun. Don’t go wild the last semester of your senior year. Okay, maybe do the last one, because I’ve had a decent amount of fun and relatively few consequences. Anyway, I now have a shiny new piece of paper that says I’m a capable individual (actually, I don’t have the paper yet).
Lexington has been my home for the past four years, but I’m not that attached. I’ll miss a few of the people here, but I’m really excited to start graduate school in Memphis. This will be the first real fresh start I’ve had. No more familiar faces around every turn; these people don’t know me. No memories should resurface simply because I saw a familiar restaurant or classroom. Maybe I’ll finally catch a break.
To new beginnings.
I thought we were two puzzle pieces that completed each other. But then I found out that we weren’t even puzzle pieces. I was trying to play house, and he was playing monopoly. Somehow we lost ourselves in the game and forgot what really mattered. Expectations, hopes, and ambition all got scrambled until someone’s heart got broken. I feel just like I did when I asked my neighbors across the street if they wanted to come out and play, but they said they were busy, and then I saw them have other friends over. The girls laughed and played without me, and I just couldn’t understand why they wanted to leave me out. People don’t do mean things on purpose, do they? Why would someone ever want to hurt someone else?
I don’t want to be an adult. I don’t want to be the bigger person. But I refuse to cave in under the pressure. I’m way too much of a perfectionist to slide. So instead, I worked out today. Twice. I only ate one snickers. And I’m going to get my graduate school applications in, and I’m going to make my life so much better now that it ever would have been before. I’m going to be happy with myself and figure out just who I want to be, and I’m not settling for less than what I deserve.
When I was in high school, my friends and I had a pretend band of sorts. We thought of ourselves as clever, creative people who may eventually write music and become superstars. Most of it was in jest, but I think that I wasn’t the only one who wished our imaginative game was more than fantasy.
Anatomy of a Breakup was one of the song titles we came up with. As far as I recall, we never had any lyrics or music to go with it. I felt it was fitting to my current situation as I’m trying to figure out the past, present, and future of my life while still navigating the rough waters of my final undergraduate year.
I feel like it’s time for me to move on to the next step of my “recovery.” For the first month, I let myself wallow. I threw myself pity parties, ate whatever I wanted, and lazed around. I stayed in bed much too long, called my mother at every opportunity, and dumped my problems onto my friends. Now I’ve decided this needs to stop. I’m going to block certain pages, make myself work out, finish my graduate school applications, and regain my social life.
I am in control, not my depression.
I’m a goal setter. A list maker. A planner. I may or may not actually follow through, but I like to have a clear path to what I want to accomplish. I need to know the end result of something before I even start. Before all this mess started, I had divided attention. School and personal life. My focus was split between my relationship and school, with the obvious goals of marriage and graduation. Now, I’ve lost that whole relationship goal and it’s more of an ambiguous “eventually,” a hope to find somebody who will, like I said before, love me better than he ever did. It’s only a vague hope right now, as I’m listless and lost at the moment. So now I’m shifting all my attention on my career and myself. I need to get through grad school applications and the rest of this semester.
I need a new goal. So I guess my new goal is to become the best possible me. To focus on others. To learn my future profession. To make a difference in the lives of my kids. Because hey, it’s not about me. I wanted to build a life around serving others, so maybe I needed this to set me back on the right track.
Cuteness of the day: We watched Toy Story in the library with most of the grades in the after school program today. I sat down with one of the kindergarten boys. He kept scooting closer to me, until he finally got out of his chair and climbed into my lap. After organizing my arms to make himself comfortable, he wrapped his arms around me in a big hug and kissed me on the cheek.
He’ll never know how much I needed that.
It’s amazing how something small can completely turn someone’s day around.
I’m tired of all the bull “everything happens for a reason.” Why can’t things go RIGHT? How many times do I have to be broken down? There’s no reason for this. I’ve been through it before, there’s nothing new to learn. Sometimes, things happen, and there’s no reason for it. No greater purpose. They just happen. And it sucks. But you get up, and you move on. Because that’s all you can do.
One day I’ll update this blog. But for now, it’s going to sit here. Maybe I should just delete it. I’m tired of looking back on the past.
My friends are pretty awesome. I may not have a lot, but it’s quality over quantity, right? Anyway, it’s been a pretty rough summer for me, but a few people in my life have gone above and beyond in helping me enjoy the little things. They’ve (almost literally) dragged me out of my apartment (and out of my brooding thoughts) and have shown me that I actually matter. And that’s huge. Thanks, guys, for caring about me. I seriously mean it. I don’t know if you’ll ever read this, but I just wanted to say that I appreciate everything. Without my friends, the past two and a half months would have been unbearable. I’ve still got some time to go, but I know I’ve got a great support system. 🙂
This post is inspired by Pinterest. Okay, it’s been on my mind way since way before Pinterest, but it wasn’t quite as apparent. Weight loss and fitness programs proliferate on my Pinterest feed, along with recipes, quotes, and DIY crafts that I could never hope to create. There is certainly an obesity problem in probably all “1st world” countries, but most certainly in America. I’m from the South, so I see this on a daily basis. Weight loss programs and lifestyle changes geared towards fixing this major health crisis are all well and good, and I’m glad they exist.
However, there’s also the opposite extreme, which seems to affect a lot more of the females than the males. Now, it’s not enough to be thin. You have to be thin, toned, and tan. Even if you’re not a model, you’re supposed to look like your only job is to workout at the gym all day. Have the perfect abs (but not too much, you don’t want to look masculine!), defined arms, zero body fat.
Not only is this ENORMOUS pressure to put on the ladies of our society, is it even really “healthy”? According to Pinterest, being “healthy” is in. But is being “healthy” the same thing as killing yourself in the gym, and spending a minimum of 6 hours a week working out, counting every calorie, and investing so much time in one’s self? I get it; to some people, working out is a hobby. Going to the gym may be as relaxing as watching tv for some people, or as exhilarating as riding roller coasters at theme parks. But I just can’t help but think that my time would be better spent doing something else. I try not to overeat (too often), and I do try to exercise a few times a week. I loved my zumba class, and would definitely do it again. I just don’t see the point in revolving your whole life around some concept of fitness.
Remember, this is coming from the girl with
lovehate-handles and a sweet tooth the size of Montana, so take my words with a grain of salt.
“…you should never give yourself a chance to fall apart because, when you do, it becomes a tendency and it happens over and over again. You must practice staying strong, instead.” -Elizabeth Gilbert
Going back through old blog posts from high school has made me realize how much I’ve changed. Perhaps some for the better, some for the worst. Rick Santorum seems to think that higher education is a way to brainwash young minds and transform them into liberal Democrats remade in the image of Obama (who isn’t really that liberal, but that’s another discussion altogether), but I like to think of college as an enlightening experience that exposes these malleable brains to a multiplicity of ideas to form a more well-rounded individual. Granted, my public university experience near the heart of the Bible belt isn’t exactly like an education from the West coast or a New England tutelage. However, I’ve realized 15-year-old Lindsay was extremely closed-minded. In 2006, I made a post about America being “One Nation Under God” and went on a miniature rant in SUPPORT of this maxim. Now, after years of “liberal indoctrination” (which has hardly been liberal, as many of my professors are as conservative or more conservative than my high school teachers), I’ve realized just how false that statement is and should be. America is a diverse nation, and if we would actually follow the idea of religious freedom, we’d realize that Americans are free to be with or without a God. This is not a religious statement; it is purely political. I fail to see why so many Christian Conservatives must integrate their religious preferences with their political opinions. No government entity has a right to force (or even suggest) a religious preference on me, so I just don’t understand why the Christian Right thinks it’s somehow okay (or even mandatory) to include their religion in their politics. They may tout “freedom OF religion, not freedom FROM religion,” but that doesn’t mean they can make political decisions based on religious doctrine.
This was a very broad topic, and I probably should have addressed a more specific issue. But I saw that post from my past and felt it was necessary to address it and admit that I have become a different person than I used to be.